Howdy partners. All good?
Totally feeling like an old man this week. Starting to sound like all the old bed wetters in my mum`s street when I was growing up. I`m talking about moaning at kids. Not my own like, just ones that are annoying the shit out me!
First of all I had to chase a wee 14 year old who decided it would be funny to steal one of the wee twins bikes, cycle it three streets away and throw it in the middle of the road. The wee one had chased him, got her bike back all scratched to fuck and the boy told her if she told anyone he`d batter her. She said she was going to get her mum in which he said go fucking get her! Well she came home howling, told me what happened and that was me on the rampage. It's just that I bought her the bike for her birthday last month so was more pissed off with that.
Anyway walked round to the wee park, daughter pointed them out, strolled across. Wee boys were still all hyper, actually heard them say "Ha ha ha, that wee lassie is away to get her maw, what's she going to do." Heard that walked over and said "Naw she was getting me ya wee dick!". Maybe a bit harsh but the boy bee lined to the swing went after him grabbed the chains and told him if he wanted to pick on anyone pick on me. He shat himself and even begged me not to hit him and offered to pay for a new bike. How mental am I???
Was only back in the house half an hour when the wee tits from the street at the back of us decided to do the Grand National across our gardens for the fifth time this week! Still pissed off chased them and this time asked politely to stop it. Different scenario from James next door who must have also reached boiling point and had came out chasing them too. He though was more to the point with the wee ten year old. Asked him what the fuck he was all about, before telling him he was a wee fat prick and he`d boot his arse if he done it again! I like James next door, brand new, but he tells it how it is no matter what age the person is he is talking to!
My own kids have been a bit of a pain in the arse this week too. All they complain about is being bored. Just got them a new bike, skates, a scooter and new skipping ropes for their birthday last month! Not only that they have a quality wee park thirty seconds walk from the house. They just want to sit in and play the Nintendo DS! Fuck me when we were wee had to pass our own time. There was tig, hide and seek, and British Bulldog just to name a few. When was the last time you seen any kids play these games. Dead Mans Fall was also an old favourite. You know the game when you stood up, were told how you were being killed and the one that died the best was the winner! You could either be shot, stabbed, whatever! It would be all change nowadays anyway if they played that game. Instead of being shot by a soldier, you would now be dying as a suicide bomber!
Also when was the last time you seen anyone play marbles. I used to love playing marbles. You had the choice to play for funnzies or keepzies! You were gutted if you lost one of your big China marbles or you favourite Steely! Aye its all changed days. Only computer wee had was a Sinclair 48k or the first Nintendo that came with a shitty gun and Duck hunt!!!!
Elsewhere this week we have seen the collapse of Celtic in Europe once again! Is Neil Lennon actually Tony Mowbray in disguise??? Honestly thought they would have been good enough to get through. So much that I didn`t even check the score to the second half. When I did I was well chuffed when I seen they were 3-0 down. I knew though that one goal and they`d be through with away goals so was delighted to see the final score come in at 4-0!! No going to laugh for to long though after seeing the Rangers Champions League draw. Some people saying that second is a shout. Second??? Not a chance! Nowt from Man United, Valencia I keep hearing aren`t the team they used to be but still reckon far to good for us. As for the Turkish mob, well to win that league they must be half decent. Honestly reckon bottom spot is almost certain.
Had a few bigoted jokes sent this week and I don`t know why but seem to find them less funny these days. Maybe its because I`m married to a practising Tattie Picker, that the wains are all being brought up as dirty Tims, or they all go to a manky mickey school but I think my bigoted side is deserting me!!! Saying that I still forwarded them and picked the kids up from school in my Rangers top to a few anti social comments and dirty looks. Fuck them. We are the People!
Few joke`s supplied by me again this week after a guest role from Serie A last week!
A black man approached me and said, "Can you tell me how to get to the train station, please?"
I said, "Certainly, monkey face. You go past the burning cross, around the rice field and, Muhammad's your cotton-picker!."
As I lay here in hospital, I'm thinking to myself, "That's the last time I eat those fucking Rowntree's Randoms!"
I just opened my wheelie bin and a wasp flew out.
What kind of sick fucker would throw a wasp in a bin?
Jack and Jill, went up the hill, to fetch a pail of water...
Yet you don't see them in an advert asking for fucking £5 a month.
I bought some Dettol that says it kills 99.9% of all germs and viruses.
I tried it on my son when he had the flu and, if anything it made him worse.
Got arrested at the kids sports day today.
The guy next to me shouted "Come on my son!",
He should be more careful what he says!
The Red Cross knocked on my door the other day and asked me if I would like to help out with the floods in Pakistan
I replied "I would, But my house pipe only reaches to the bottom of the drive"
Why did the bridge cross the road?
Because it's a bridge